Mulrox and the Malcognitos Page 17

  “Yes,” Yvwi said. “But I don’t think your nail is going to do much against the Vaccus.”

  “Can’t you make it a little bigger?” Mulrox asked.

  “You want me to rip a hole between worlds?”

  “Just nudge it a little,” Yahgurkin said.

  “If you insist!” Yvwi stuck one long appendage through the portal and began to wiggle and strain. Cloud-of-locusts and Toad-springs-eternal floated over and tried to wedge themselves in next to Yvwi, but as soon as one of them got one limb in, someone else would pop out.

  “It’s no use. I could make myself small enough to go back, but it’d only be me. Everyone else has gotten too big from all of Mulrox’s love and attention.”

  Mulrox frowned.

  “Most of you came through the portal, but not all of you. Where are all these new malcognitos coming from?”

  “Sounous,” Yvwi said.

  “How?” Yahgurkin asked.

  “Spit-on-him?” Yvwi said. The sopping splatter of a malcognito loped over to Yvwi, and the two conversed for a moment. “They don’t know. They sort of fell here.”

  “Is that possible?” Yahgurkin asked.

  Yvwi shrugged. “Apparently so.”

  “Mulrox, think of something.”

  Mulrox closed his eyes and tried, but his mind was a blank. “I… uh…”

  “Here, just rhyme. Squiggle, oogle, drippy doodle,” Yahgurkin said.

  “Wiggle noodle, yippy poodle?”

  The air crackled and then poof! A poodle made out of what appeared to be bundled spaghetti wiggled into view. It was the size of an apricot.

  Yvwi floated over to the new malcognito and inspected the air.

  “I don’t see anything—” Yvwi froze and then stretched himself out into a worm. He poked at a spot about three feet above the ground and part of him disappeared. “That’s also Sounous.”

  “Is that one any squishier?” Yahgurkin asked. “Here, let me try.”

  Mulrox yanked Yvwi out, and Yahgurkin stuck both of her thumbs into the wavering air. Mulrox watched as the muscles in Yahgurkin’s arms bulged and her arms began to shake. “I think… it’s moving,” she said between clenched teeth.

  Yvwi floated toward her hands. “Nope,” he said.

  “Gah.” Yahgurkin let go and stepped back.

  “We can’t go back the way we came,” Yvwi said.

  “How else can you travel across worlds?”

  “I don’t know. This is my first time. I didn’t even know I could until I saw that golden walnut.”

  “Golden walnut?” Mulrox asked.

  “Yes,” Yvwi said. “There I was, walking along the fields of Sounous when this golden walnut dropped out of the sky. Plop! It hit me in the head. Of course I stopped to examine it. It was actually quite interesting, more than just a golden nut. It turned the surrounding air to mush. Through that, I could see images of your hut and that inn. I recognized you as soon as you started creating malcognitos. It didn’t take me long to realize what the nut was for. I gathered as many of the malcognitos as I could.”

  “Of course!” Mulrox shouted. There was an accompanying pop, and a small rodent-shaped malcognito fell out of nowhere.

  “Of course what? I don’t see at all,” Yahgurkin complained.

  “Rodenia.”

  “Who?”

  “The squirrelmonk.”

  “A squirrelmonk!!!” Yahgurkin said.

  “Yes. She cursed me. I told you.”

  “You never mentioned a squirrelmonk,” Yahgurkin said.

  “Yes, I did.”

  “You definitely did not. You said ‘some horrifying fuzzy creature told me something weird would happen.’ Nothing about a squirrelmonk,” Yahgurkin said.

  Mulrox frowned. That did sound like him.

  “That was a squirrelmonk? A real squirrelmonk. You’ve actually met one?”

  “I stepped on her, actually. You know, when Groxor pushed me down the hill.”

  “What?” Yahgurkin shrieked. “I’ve been dying to see a squirrelmonk for practically my whole life! I’ve spent years hoping to catch a glimpse of one. And you get pushed once and you step on one?”

  Mulrox scowled. “Rodenia set all of this up. She said she’d lost her golden walnut and told me I would be tested,” Mulrox said.

  Yahgurkin’s eyes were practically bulging out of her head. “That’s classic, classic squirrelmonk monking.”

  “I bet she set this all in motion. If anyone knows more about the portals, it will be her.”

  “Of course she’ll know!” Yahgurkin was practically pulling at her face with her hands. “She’s only an interdimensional master of fate!”

  “So we find this squirrelmonk,” Yvwi said.

  “We find the squirrelmonk.”

  “Let’s hope the grinder doesn’t find us first,” Mulrox added.

  25

  “She should be easy enough to find,” Yahgurkin said the next morning. Without a pack, Mulrox had had to roll what was left of their measly supplies in his blanket. He was glad to hear some good news as he held the awkward bundle.

  Yahgurkin picked up a stick and began to draw shapes in the dirt.

  “Our best chance of finding Rodenia again is to retrace your steps. If I had only known there was a squirrelmonk so close…” She shook her head.

  “How do you know so much about squirrelmonks?” Mulrox was starting to be embarrassed that the only thing he knew about them came from a children’s story. He didn’t how to catch one, or appease it, or do any of the other things Yahgurkin had been talking about nonstop.

  “Oh, I don’t know. I thought everyone knew this stuff. They’re fascinating! Hooded figures that get visions of the future, whose golden walnuts create portals between dimensions. It’s pretty dramatic stuff.” She shrugged. “So when you met Rodenia, we were at the practice grounds?”

  Mulrox nodded.

  “Let’s see. If Ulgorprog is here,” Yahgurkin drew a U, “then the practice grounds are somewhere over here.”

  She marked a small P in the dirt.

  “The Woods Mercurial extends between the two villages like an L on its side. And you rolled down the southern hill, so your squirrelmonk should be somewhere near the border of the Woods Mercurial around here.”

  She marked this with an X.

  Geraldine shook herself free from the pile of decaying leaves she was bathing in and hopped over to inspect Yahgurkin’s work.

  “If we entered the forest about here, and we wondered through the Woods Mercurial like this, then…” Yahgurkin hesitated with her stick, hovering for a moment before circling a spot in the dirt. “I think we are about here, so…” Yahgurkin looked up then pointed with her stick into the trees on the right, “That way.”

  “You’re awfully good at that.”

  “I know,” Yahgurkin said. “I like cartography.”

  “Why don’t you draw the Raid Brigade maps for us? We could definitely use better ones. Groxor’s always look more like abstract art.”

  “If I did that, they’d make me raid leader, and I don’t want that. There’s never enough time as it is, what with the gardening and all the things I want to make. Anyway, I doubt they would approve of the changes I would make, and who needs that kind of headache?”

  Mulrox tried to imagine what Great-Aunt Griselda would say if their Raid Brigade started setting up vegetable patches. He smiled.

  “Well, you’re in charge of this raid,” Mulrox said. “So lead on.”

  * * *

  Mulrox spent the next six hours following Yahgurkin through the Woods Mercurial. He hardly said a word as he followed her lead. The malcognitos chatted happily with Yahgurkin, but Mulrox’s thoughts were on Sounous, the Vaccus, and what he would do when he finally faced it.

  “We should be getting close now. Does any of this look familiar to you?” Yahgurkin asked.

  Mulrox squinted and tried hard to remember what it was like when he had fallen down into the gully. It seemed like
ages ago.

  “I think that’s where you fell.” Yahgurkin pointed up the hillside to a trail of broken branches and shrubs that extended up a steep incline.

  Mulrox nodded. He turned and there it was, the circle of enormous trees.

  “A fairy ring,” Yahgurkin said.

  Mulrox nodded. “This is it,” he said, pointing to the tree. “Do you want to do the honors?”

  Yahgurkin nodded and stepped forward. She took a deep breath, brushed the wrinkles from the front of her shirt, and then knocked three times on the trunk.

  “Great squirrelmonk from the tales of old,” Yahgurkin began, “we have come to beseech you for advice.”

  They were answered with silence.

  “Maybe she’s not home,” Mulrox whispered.

  Yahgurkin frowned. “We bring offerings.” She reached into one of her pouches and laid a handful of black-and-yellow-striped seeds on the ground and then stepped back.

  There was a rustling, and then Mulrox saw a hood pop out from the branches. It pulled back and then appeared again on the other side of the tree.

  “What kind of offering?” a voice called down.

  “Sunflower seeds.” Yahgurkin pointed.

  In the tree above, Rodenia edged out from behind the trunk, revealing her full cloaked profile. “You’re not supposed to be here.” She crept closer to the little pile of seeds while she glared at Mulrox. “It’s against all the rules.” She edged closer. “I’m not to interfere. They are very clear about that.”

  “But if you were to talk to me,” Yahgurkin said, “that wouldn’t be interfering, would it? It’s Mulrox’s quest not mine.”

  “I guess I could pop down for a little consultation.” The squirrelmonk tapped one of her fingers against her other paw as she thought. “Alright.”

  Rodenia leapt from her branch down to the next. She started to shimmy her way down the tree trunk when she twitched, lost her balance, and plummeted to the ground.

  “Confounded tail!” She took in the rest of the motley group and scowled. “HA! Malcognitos.” She cocked her head at Mulrox. “He’s doing better than I’d imagined. Still, plenty of time yet. Let’s have a look at this offering.”

  Rodenia picked through the seeds, holding each one up to the light to inspect them.

  “She’s really something, isn’t she?” Yahgurkin whispered to Mulrox.

  “I was,” Rodenia said and then settled on top of the pile of sunflower seeds like a dragon over its hoard.

  “You still are! The great Rodenia.” Yahgurkin bent into a deep bow. “It’s an honor.”

  “You’ve heard of me then, I suppose?” Rodenia sniffed.

  “Oh, yes,” Yahgurkin said. “Your prophecy to Mulrox alone is legendary. An instant classic, in fact.” Yahgurkin gave Mulrox a sly smile.

  “Is it then?” Rodenia shrugged, but Mulrox could see the corners of her mouth twitching up.

  “Well…” Rodenia pushed her hood back and scampered within a few feet of them. “I have to say, that is a relief. At least the reputation is intact because that oaf has simply destroyed my tail. My tail of all things!” Rodenia held out the battered-looking appendage.

  Yahgurkin gasped. “A squirrelmonk forced to work like this. It’s an outrage!”

  “Exactly!” she said. “Of course I’m boycotting until something is done. It’s not proper. How am I supposed to perform my divine duties looking like a bedraggled ground squirrel? Take your average ogre—Mulrox, for example. He can’t see past what’s in front of his nose. You can’t expect foresight or perception from a beast like that. I give someone like him a premonition looking like this, and he’ll think I’m off my nut.”

  “I’m sure the next job will go better.”

  Rodenia looked around warily and then leaned in close to Yahgurkin. “Between us,” she said in a hushed tone, “this is positively my last job. It’s retirement for me. I’ve had enough.”

  This was not getting them anywhere.

  “How do we get to Sounous?” Mulrox demanded.

  “Mulrox!” Yahgurkin said.

  Rodenia looked startled and then let out a long, high laugh. “Ahahahahahaha! What a ridiculous creature! What do you think this is?”

  Yahgurkin threw herself into a deep bow. “Our deepest apologies, Your Eminence. We were hoping that you, who knows so much, might be able to assist us in our quest to defeat the Vaccus. We’ve lost our only way to Sounous and—”

  “Yes, I get the point.” Rodenia looked at them. “But as I said before, I’m not allowed to interfere.”

  “A little information could hardly be considered interfering.”

  “Perhaps. I’m not feeling particularly inclined to help, seeing as Mulrox has forced me into an early retirement.” She waved at her broken tail, then began to stroke her paw. “But as this is my last job, you might be able to persuade me to bend the rules.”

  Yahgurkin nodded vigorously. “The malcognitos lives are in danger,” she said. “If the Vaccus catches them, it will turn them into dendrools.”

  “These things happen. I need a more tangible reason.”

  Yahgurkin frowned. “It seems tangible.”

  “She means something for her,” Yvwi said

  “Oh! Well, we don’t have much.” Yahgurkin began to search through her belt pouches.

  Rodenia stopped her with a wave. “From him,” she said. “It has to be from him.”

  Mulrox clenched his teeth. “Me? You’re the one who got me into this mess.”

  Rodenia didn’t say anything.

  He dropped the filthy-looking blanket on the ground with an angry thump and yanked at the knots. The grinder had already taken everything. What could Rodenia possibly want?

  “Tell me if you see anything you like,” he grumbled. Mulrox set aside the remainder of the cheese, a potato, a heel of bread, and his notebook.

  “Stop!” Rodenia called. “I want that.” She was pointing at the notebook.

  Mulrox’s heart stuttered. “The bread?” he asked.

  Rodenia didn’t bother to correct him. She continued to point to the purple notebook with the gold toad practically winking in the sun. He snatched the notebook and held it to his chest. “What could you possibly want with it? It’s just a bunch of scribblings.”

  “Give it here.”

  “It’s mine.”

  “So are they.” Rodenia waved at the malcognitos.

  “It’s too dangerous.” Mulrox took several steps backward. “My ideas are out of control.”

  “He’s a little dramatic. We’re perfectly under control.” Yvwi floated to Mulrox and thumped him on the back.

  “Will you take something else?” Yahgurkin said quietly.

  Rodenia shook her head.

  Mulrox thought of Rodenia pawing through the notebook and laughing. Why did she want it? It didn’t have any value to her. The memory of Griselda standing on top of the landing as she sent the stack of notebooks flying down the basement stairs came flooding back unbidden. He shuddered.

  “You don’t have to,” Yahgurkin said. “We can think of another way.”

  This was the way. He took a deep breath and held the notebook out to the squirrelmonk.

  She grabbed the book and flipped it open and nodded.

  “A bit of light reading and still plenty of extra space. Yes, this will do nicely. I’m thinking of starting my memoirs.”

  Mulrox could hear her claws tear into the paper. He did his best not to cringe. “Alright,” he said, pulling his eyes away from the notebook. “First, how do I defeat the Vaccus?”

  She snapped the book shut and looked up at them. “Simple. You can’t.”

  “What?! But—”

  “You can’t defeat the Vaccus anymore than you can defeat Ulgorprog, or Radakin, or the Woods Mercurial.” Rodenia scampered out of reach of the ogres, dragging the notebook behind her through the dust.

  “You said you could help us!”

  “Actually, I didn’t.”

  Mulro
x clenched his fists and started for the squirrelmonk.

  “Are you saying the Vaccus is a place?” Yahgurkin asked.

  Mulrox stopped midstride.

  “Yes. It goes by other names as well. The Dungeon of Short-Term Memory, the Basement of Forgetting.”

  Mulrox looked to Yvwi. He was in the shape of a snail, his body almost completely curled into the shell, only the two little stalks of his eyes poked out. “I—” he said.

  “It sounds dire, but that’s mostly the malcognitos’ doing. Ideas end up there naturally all the time—anytime Mulrox forgets actually. Going to the Vaccus is quite common. Leave it to a bunch of bad ideas to make such a big deal out of it. The Vaccus.” Rodenia shook her head. “There’s no defeating something like that. The best you can do is resist it. That place is the absence of all thought and creation. Once there, Malcognitos don’t stand a chance. You’d have to be bursting with ideas in order to last even a few hours.”

  Mulrox couldn’t imagine trying to face something like that. Yvwi couldn’t have found a worse ogre for the job.

  “This is ridiculous. Why would a place be trying to destroy my bad ideas?”

  “It’s not. It may be destroying them, but it’s not trying to do anything. That’s not how places work.”

  “But so many of us disappeared, and the dendrools…” Yvwi said.

  “You’re right that something is after you. And if there are dendrools, that something has figured out a way to use the Vaccus. There are probably malcognitos trapped there now. You’ll need to get there soon.”

  “What about the sheep?”

  “Ahh, you’ve seen them too then?”

  They nodded.

  “Yes, well, that makes sense. You’re all they can talk about: ‘Mulrox… Mulrox…’ Very one note. They were quite rude about my tail, which was especially harsh given that they were all rather attractive. And, boy, did they let you know it. But that’s one of the perks of being a beautiful animal—you lose all sense of manners. You know, I was quite a specimen too before this whole tail business. And let me tell you, I never felt the urge to be particularly polite to anyone.”

  “You’ve changed very little,” Mulrox said.

  “You really think so?” Rodenia put a paw to her breast with a wistful smile.